I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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