is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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