dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
