Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sext me about skeletons
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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