Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
