I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
