I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
