like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
