You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
