I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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