she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Randomize
