that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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