whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
