apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
