Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
