my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize