She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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