ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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