I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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