If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
