Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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