Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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