I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
