I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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