This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
