I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
This beer is not sobering me up at all
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
