I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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