I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
