Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
