okay pat passed out under dana's car
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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