I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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