I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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