I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
