he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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