the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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