she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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