Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
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