"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
