FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
