i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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