I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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