my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
