Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
