so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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