Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
