my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
