i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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