Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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