Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
