i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
