Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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