My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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