Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
