11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
