your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
