i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
