**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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