every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
