Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
