I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I've blown a few things in my day
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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