ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize