omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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