There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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