Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
