I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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