I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
No subtext here. People are naked.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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