call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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