Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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