Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
