Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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